Cover of "Psycho (Collector's Edition)"

Cover of Psycho (Collector's Edition)

English: High-speed photograph of a showerhead...
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God, I hate this stuff. Clamshell packaging. Whoever came up with this concept should be stuffed in a human-size clamshell package with 15 minutes of air and  a pair of dull scissors. I just spent over a half-hour trying to break into a package containing a Waterpik shower head. That’s a half-hour of my life I will never get back.

Some companies have gotten smart and at least inserted a kind of trap door thingy to give you a head start. You find a tab or perforated section, grab hold, brace yourself  and pull. Of course it still takes all your strength, but hey, at least no heavy-duty knifeware or hacksaw is involved.

What is it about a shower head that is so fragile or valuable it needs to be protected like Fort Knox? Scissors barely make a dent, box cutters bounce off. Using a screwdriver to stab at it makes me feel like I’m reenacting the shower scene from ‘Psycho.’ Frustration mounts and I think about just returning the thing. But my old shower head developed a leak a few weeks ago. A crack in the stem allows a lazer-sharp stream of cold water to escape and hunt me down with pinpoint accuracy.

Off to Target for a replacement.

You know, it is not only trying to somehow hack your way into clamshell packaging, it is also about avoiding slashing yourself with the jagged edges of plastic. It’s amazingly sharp. Out of frustration I grab two edges of the package and try to just rip it apart. No go. What the hell is this thing sealed with? Does the military know about this stuff?

So I sit here defeated, tired out. The shower head, bright and shiny, winks evilly at me from behind its plastic shell. Very tempted to just boot it out into the snow, but I know that plastic has a half-life that far exceeds my own. I wouldn’t do that to the planet.