Tag Archive: relationships


Goosing Along

On the way to work the other day on a back country road. No other cars in sight when I spotted a Canadian Goose by the side of the road peering out from the bushes. I slowed down and he/she stepped briskly into the road. I stopped, put my blinkers on and watched in amusement and awe as the first goose was followed by about 20 others including both adults and babies. All perfectly in line, one after another, marching across the road. Every few babies there would be a protective adult making sure everything was safe and secure. I kept glancing into my mirrors to make sure we were all alone but no cars appeared on the horizon and the parade continued at a steady pace. Finally the last baby,still down-fuzzy and a bit unsteady on its feet, popped out between the bushes onto the road. It was immediately followed by the last adult, clearly urging it along, with wings outstretched. I waited until the road was clear of geese. Another car appeared in the distance and I turned off my blinkers and continued on my own journey. Once again struck by the remarkable parenting displayed by a creature seemingly so commonplace yet clearly so committed to shepherding its babies safely through a treacherous youth. The adults quite willing to get in between their young and my car, to protect their fragile charges.

Anthropomorphic thinking? Maybe. But to my eyes there is something more at play here. After all, geese commit to lifelong partnerships and are known to mourn the loss of a mate. So perhaps their commitment to their young, at least at this stage, is about much more than simply a biological need to protect their genetic legacy.

Letting Go Sometime

Why is it so hard to say goodbye to our dreams? I’m talking about the dreams that just don’t fit anymore. You know, the ones you’ve carried close to your heart, protected, kept safe, day after day, year after year. (There are dreams I’ve held so close that they have never seen the light of day.)

Sometimes it’s been me who has consciously decided to let go of a dream. Sometimes they have just drifted off after a while, barely acknowledged, until one day I realize they haven’t been around for a while. Every once in a while, I do a kind of internal spring cleaning, holding my laundry list of dreams up to the light and seeing what condition they are in. Is this one too tight, is that one too threadbare, too fragile? Although I often live amidst clutter punctuated by piles of paper scattered about (aka my filing system), I don’t like it that way. So too, I want my dreams organized, cross-referenced, tidy. Of course that isn’t life. Life is messy, unpredictable, unknown.

External circumstances have decided the fate of some of my dreams. My PD diagnosis impacted some dreams.Though I am trying not to let the disease determine my journey, there are some realities that impact what I do now and how much time I have to do it.

And then of course there are the interpersonal dreams. This is what I am going through now. Letting go of that one particular dream, that one particular person. Boy, it’s tough and painful as hell. Yet I’ve gotten to this point through a pretty healthy process of grieving the breakup and letting go. Layer by layer, deeper and deeper, the acceptance has gained hold.

I don’t like it, but it just is.

Thanksgiving was hard, Christmas harder. Knowing (pretty much, anyway) that there would be no phone call.

It just sucks.

What’s also painful is the growing realization that this particular dream has changed…if I am honest with myself. It doesn’t fit anymore. Though it wasn’t my decision, I am slowly, resisting all the way, understanding that not only is this the reality, but it probably is a better reality for me, given all that has taken place. There is power in this new perception, but sadness too.

Ouch.

Writing that feels like yanking a band-aid off a cut. I’ve never been able to do that. I always ooch it off, slowly, very slowly. I guess that is how I recover from a broken heart too.